Apr 29, 2010

stream of consciousness

While I have a blog post in the works detailing the last few weeks (banquet, formal, etc) I had to put it on hold to get all of this mess off my brain.

DISCLAIMER: Most of what I am about to type will probably be out of emotion and lack of sleep. I will most likely ramble and fail to make any real point. You can't say I didn't warn you.

I signed the official forms needed to graduate in December today. It was exciting. A little frightening, but mostly exciting.  My advisor and his secretary cheered (literally) and congratulated me. It was wonderful. 

But before I even got home, the excitement subsided. My stupid brain wouldn't let me forget that December is late. December means ANOTHER semester of college. December means six more months away from Tim. December means more debt, homework, and grades.

I'm surrounded by people who were apparently wiser than me and made the right choices. People who didn't follow someone to another school and lose hours of credit. People who knew their major before high school and had mapped out their entire college experience. People who seem to have it all together. People who make me feel like a failure. 

I'm not a failure. I know this. I'm confident of this. However, I fight this insecurity regularly. My weakness is comparison and it's impossible to completely overcome it- especially here. 

A testament to my current profession, I found comfort in a book intended for preschoolers. My boyfriend's mom (who I'm more than blessed to have) gave me a handful of books for my classroom last Christmas. One of my favorite ones is a short little story called "Ruby in Her Own Time." It's about a little duckling name Ruby who is just a little behind her brother's and sister's milestones, but manages to learn and grow in her own time. 

Granted, I'm not learning to walk or fly, but it is a nice thought to consider. I am doing things in my own time AND that's completely okay. 


Mountain Mama said...

Cara, I am so proud of you! And in case that sounds condescending, I am also inspired by you! So glad you put your blog on FB, or I might not have known it was out there.
Your grandmother told me several years ago something you had said, and it has stuck with me as a whisper of encouragement since. She told me you said, "Map out your life, but do it in pencil." Wise words from my sweet little flower girl who is now a godly young woman to be admired.
Your writing is beautiful and I am thrilled to have found it.
Shalom, my friend! - Tami

Shelley said...

Thanks for the compliment, Cara. I am blessed to have you in my life and in Tim's. I am sorry this graduating in December is getting you down but just think...you are graduating!!! A bigger accomplishment than most of us have to brag about!! I know how hard it is to be away from Timbos but he is not leaving you, not going anywhere and it is more anticipation for when you two will be together! Can't wait to see you in a couple of weeks! Love ya!

Shelley said...

Sorry that last comment doesn't make much sense...I ramble sometimes! LOL

Mountain Mama said...

BTW, I graduated in 4.5 years too. And I had to get special permission to take more hours just to do that! And you know what? That was the best semester by far - it was in my very last semester that I got engaged...just sayin'. ;o) Hang in there!

Jacque said...

Dear friend,
Just so you know, some of us "wiser" ones who graduate "on time" (which is, by the way, a ridiculous term) end up going to Africa then returning a year later no closer to knowing what they want to be when they grow up than they were before they spent thousands of borrowed dollars on college.

Love you, dear- and congratulations on graduating in December!! It's actually not that far away. Enjoy the last leg of this particular journey!